Savin' Me
by sahaaa
Summary: Sam's gone, but what is Dean meant to do? Where is he meant to go? Season 5-6.


"_Sam!" _Dean called in vain, as he watched his brother sacrifice himself to save everybody else. It wasn't meant to be that way; Sam was never meant to get hurt. As Dean watched his brother fall voluntarily into the pit, he felt a piece of himself go as well. Sam was everything to Dean: his support, his best friend, his _life, _not just his brother, and now he was gone, leaving Dean to face the darkness alone. He had sacrificed himself so that everybody else could live; people who had never known him, who would _never _know what he had done for them.

A silence fell over the three figures as the pit closed; neither Bobby nor Castiel knew what to say to comfort Dean. All Castiel could do was to heal Dean's physical injuries, before leaving, wishing he could do more for the man who had done so much for him. He had tried to keep Dean away, but Dean had insisted; he couldn't let his baby brother die alone, scared and abandoned, and for that, Castiel admired him. Bobby attempted to talk to Dean, but the younger man couldn't hear him; all he could think about was how his brother was gone, and there was nothing he could do to save him. This concept was completely alien to Dean; he had _always _protected his baby brother, and he'd _always _saved him from death, at any cost. He'd laid his life down for his brother, but not even this would save him this time. He couldn't help but feel that he should've done something, _anything, _to keep his Sammy safe. Shaking, and pushing past Bobby, Dean got into his Impala. Completely ignoring Bobby's pleas for Dean to talk to him, he drove away, not knowing where he was going, but not caring either. The road stretched vastly in front of him, just like Sam's future should have, and Dean, for the first time, was scared by the seemingly never-ending road. He had no idea where to go, or what do to, but he didn't want to stop. If he stopped, he'd have to think, and if he did that, he'd break down.

Before he could stop himself, he yelled out in complete animalistic, raw pain. Disregarding his body's need for him to stop, find a motel and sleep, he carried on, unable to stop replaying the events of that day in his mind. Not wanting to think anymore, Dean kept screaming out, trying to drown out any thoughts he was having. His transparent anguish filled the Impala, and grew even stronger when he turned to look at the passenger seat, where Sam should have been.

_I'm sorry, Sammy, _he thought, praying his brother could hear him, but knowing that he couldn't, _I'm so sorry. I tried, I really did, but I just wasn't good enough. I just couldn't save you, baby brother, and it's tearing me apart. You were the last real family I had, Sammy, and I would have died to save you. Now I have no one; I'm completely alone. I'm so sorry, Sammy, but I am going to fulfil your dying wish. As much as I want to jump into that cage myself and yank you back out, I can't, so I'm going to do the last thing you ever asked me to do. I know you'd want me to find happiness, and I'm going to try, Sammy, I really am, just give me time. I love you, Sammy, and I'm sorry.  
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Finally, Dean knew what to do, where to go, so he drove for miles to reach her. He sat outsider her house for hours, trying to work up the courage to go any further. He was scared: what if she'd moved? What if she turned him away? What if she didn't care anymore? Eventually, he dashed his nerves and walked up to the house. Knocking on the door, he began to doubt his decision; how could he ever live a normal life? He was about to turn away to, to not hassle her, when the door opened. She hadn't changed at all, physically, and he hoped that was a good thing. Dean held his breath as he awaited her reaction, trying desperately to hold himself together. It became harder to do so as she just stood there, staring at him in shock. He desperately wanted her to say something, but realised that she was probably waiting for him to explain himself. But he couldn't; saying it out loud would make it all too real, so, instead, he muttered the only two syllables he could manage:

"Lisa." His cracked speech reflected how he was feeling: broken. His vulnerability echoed for miles, which he hated, but had no control over. He waited for her response, but when there was none, he opened his mouth again to speak, but found no words. Instead, hot tears threatened to spill over his eyes, and this time, he couldn't stop them. His obvious emptiness broke Lisa's heart, so she pulled him into an embrace. At first, he stiffened at her touch, but then relaxed and allowed himself to be comforted, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her in close. Now that he had finally stopped moving, stopped running, he felt the full force of everything crash down on him: everything he'd had to sacrifice, all the people who'd had to die so that others could live. He was done being selfless, it had caused him nothing but hardship, he just wanted to collapse and let somebody else take care of him. He knew that he couldn't go back to his life as it had been, not without his baby brother. Sam had been his one constant in his ever-changing life, and he knew he wouldn't be able to survive without him.

Dean felt strange in Lisa's embrace; he wasn't used to feeling so cared for by anyone but Sam. _Sam. _Fresh tears sprung to Dean's eyes, and he pulled Lisa even close, craving human contact, and trying to tell her without words how he was feeling. But, he wasn't sure how he was feeling; he was torn: his grief and pain at the loss of Sam battled internally against hope and love at the tenderness of Lisa's touch. He'd never loved anybody the way he loved her, but not even she could heal him just yet; he was too damaged, too wounded. She wanted to, though, and she vowed that she would save him from himself, even if it took her forever. She wanted to clear the dark clouds that filled those eyes; make those perfect lips curve into a smile once more; fix that tortured heart and help it to beat again, but she knew it would take time. Nobody heals overnight, but she was willing to wait.

The silence that had fallen over them was once again broken by Dean, who simply uttered _'Sam'_. Lisa didn't try to make Dean elaborate, for which he was thankful. It had taken him enough strength to let her know that much. He began to shudder violently as he repeated his brother's name over and over again, so much so that both feared he was going to faint. Lisa reluctantly pulled away him from, took his hand and led him into her home. She sat him down and fixed him a drink, all the while him saying no more than that one name. He wanted to tell her a million things: what had happened; why he had darkened her doorstep; how he loved her, wanted to be with her; how he would do anything for her and Ben, but he couldn't. Dean had never been good with dealing with his emotions, let alone voicing them, and so he just kept repeating _'Sam', _as if it were the only word that he knew. He thought that if he said it enough times, his Sammy would come back to him. There was no logic or reasoning behind his belief, he knew it was irrational, but, then again, he never had been rational when it came to his brother.

As Dean sipped slowly on his drink, he couldn't take his eyes off Lisa, as if he thought that if he looked away, she would disappear, just like everything else in his life. His intense gaze should have made her uneasy, but it had the opposite effect. She could tell that he was trying to formulate a coherent sentence to explain to her what was going on, and that warmed her. Dean had never been one for emotion, and the fact that he was trying meant everything to her, so she let him take his time. The only thing she did was rest her hand lightly upon his, which sent warmth tingling down Dean's spine. He was so unused to being treated like this that it baffled him. No woman's slight touch of the hand had ever left him feeling this way;women had always been in the palm of his hand, had always just been something fun for Dean to do, but this was different. _Lisa _was different. Lisa made Dean feel safe, like he wasn't completely alone in the world. These thoughts filled his head until, before he realised what he was doing, his lips were pressed against hers. She was taken aback at first, but then she returned the kiss, seeming to understand that this was his way of telling her that he wanted to her in, but he couldn't at that moment. All he could do was release all his emotion in that one act: love, hate, anger, despair, hope, self-loathing, fear, grief, all flowing from Dean as he kissed her. She felt these emotions spilling from him, and in that moment, she understood the full weight of Dean's soul as it crumbled down around him. She put her hands on his chest, for extra contact, and to let him know that she was going to fix his broken heart. In response, he cupped her face in his hands, not wanting to ever let her go. Sammy had been right; _this _was where he needed to be if he had to live without his brother, _this _was where he would be saved.

When she thought he was ready, Lisa took Dean by the hand and led him to her bedroom, where their bodies entwined and gave new life to both Dean and Lisa. So many words were shared between them that night without either of them ever uttering them: words of love, words of hope, of care, of tenderness. Lisa tried her hardest to let him know that he was safe with her, that she's never let him down, and he seemed to understand. As they lay in bed, he started to explain to her all that had happened. She didn't interrupt, just occasionally planted small kisses on his neck when he got too overwhelmed. As he shared his story with Lisa, he felt some of the weight of it lift from him. As he talked, the image of Sam falling back into the pit haunted him. As much as it pained him to remember, he was proud of his baby brother; he had fought Lucifer off and gone to that pit. Dean aired this thought to Lisa, who just smiled sadly, wishing that she had known the man who had done so much for Dean; _for her. _She was thankful for him for planning ahead, for sending Dean to her. _Sam, it's Lisa. Wherever you are, if you can hear me: thank you for sending Dean to me. I know it's not exactly amazing circumstances, but I'm going to take good care of your big brother, Sam, _she thought as she listened to Dean's speech slowly grow slower and more slurred as he fell deeper into sleep, _I'm going to save him, I promise._


End file.
